


Dead Horse

by infptwriter



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: AU, Angst, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Post Time Skip, Slow Burn, not totally canon compliant but there are spoilers anyway
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 08:28:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24966730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infptwriter/pseuds/infptwriter
Summary: The idle fleeting thought that he was a star crossed my mind.Akaashi confesses, but Bokuto rejects him. They lose touch.Years later, the universe brings them together again.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 14
Kudos: 230





	Dead Horse

**Author's Note:**

  * For [yamastarss](https://archiveofourown.org/users/yamastarss/gifts).



> Hello!   
> So, a few days ago I had this idea for this thread and decided to make it into a fanfic. Of course, how did it end up being 13k words? No idea.
> 
> Anyways! This was beta read by my beautiful, amazing, perfect and chaotic friend [Nation](https://twitter.com/itsNationJoy), who also happens to write amazing fanfiction, so check out their work <3 Thank you, Nation, for beta reading and leaving comments everywhere on my ff. You're the best!  
> This work is dedicated for you, Nation <3
> 
> Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> (kind of inspired a bit by Dead Horse, song by Hayley Williams. Just a bit, though. No cheating here, thank you.)

For all the two years Akaashi has officially known Bokuto and has been friends with him, all of their moments together had never made him this scared. Friendship with him had always been easy and somewhat exciting; as much as Bokuto can be a bit too much sometimes – overbearing, obnoxious and his mood swings scare a lot of people away – Akaashi was never really put off by his behavior. With time, he learned how to understand the mystery of Bokuto Koutarou and how amazing he actually is. 

Akaashi might be biased, though. Because he’s in love with Bokuto.

Maybe he fell in love right from the moment he saw Bokuto, maybe it took him a little longer before he actually fell, but either way he knows that he’s in love. His heart speeds up anytime Bokuto touches him or praises him, and he seeks his attention way more than what’s considered normal to Akaashi’s standards. He wants Bokuto to notice him, to talk to him, to touch him, to  _ kiss _ him, and he knows these feelings aren’t the kind you have with your best friend or a colleague. It’s not just a crush, it’s full bloomed  _ love _ .

Today is the last day before graduation – before  _ Bokuto _ ’s graduation. Akaashi has been thinking about confessing ever since they lost Nationals, and only now has he gathered courage to do it. It’s unfair to himself and to Bokuto, to let him go without telling him his own true feelings. As much as Akaashi’s terrified of the idea, he knows Bokuto would never be the type of person to stop talking to him if he ever gets rejected. Or so he hopes with all his heart.

But he doesn’t want to dwell on how this might be one of the scenarios, especially because he’s seen signs that his feelings are reciprocated and he wants to believe he is right. 

Akaashi waits for Bokuto outside the Fukurodani Academy gates like he always has. This time, however, instead of walking home, Akaashi will take him to the nice park next to their school and confess. Whatever is next, Akaashi isn’t sure and he doesn’t want to think about it. He hopes for the best, since that’s all he can do.

“Akaashi!” Bokuto announces loudly, running a bit late. His jacket is wide open, as usual, and he has a bright and excited smile on his face. “I graduate tomorrow!”

A soft smile lands on Akaashi’s face without his permission. “That’s true, Bokuto-san. Shall we go, then?”

Bokuto nods, and they walk side by side towards the direction of the park, Akaashi leading them. Bokuto fills in the silence that Akaashi leaves trailing on his path, happily telling stories and making future plans. He talks about college, about studying and playing more volleyball, and one day going pro. Akaashi listens and hums, answering quietly when he is asked something, mostly keeping his mouth shut for the sake that he won’t spill the confession right here right now. Bokuto doesn’t mind the way Akaashi is, which makes Akaashi’s stomach flutter in excitement and fear. 

_ He might like me back, remember the signs _ .  _ Don’t run away. _

The signs include a long list of little things like the way Bokuto touches Akaashi more than he touches any other teammate. The way Bokuto stares a beat too long into Akaashi’s eyes. The way he’s always trailing after Akaashi and not anyone else. Akaashi doesn’t want to say it, but Bokuto is around him so much that the line between friendship and something more is blurred, things mixing inside his head. Maybe he’s read it all wrong, maybe he hasn’t, but either way it’s what he notices frequently.

When they arrive at the park, Akaashi takes him to a spot he knows will be more secluded and private. There are many trees around, the birds chirping and leaves dancing with the wind. Bokuto looks at him curiously when he chooses the bench and takes a seat, but before Bokuto can muster anything, Akaashi is faster.

“Bokuto-san, today was your last day of high school,” he starts and Bokuto pays attention, eyes focused on him. He knows better than to interrupt. “I have hidden something from you for quite some time now.”

“You can tell me anything, Akaashi, we’re best friends!” 

Bokuto’s friendly tone, the affirmation that they are, indeed, friends and friends only makes Akaashi’s frown appear. Rubbing it in his face makes Akaashi uncomfortable. He needs to put it out fast, before he decides not to say anything.

“That’s the issue, Bokuto-san.”

With the way Bokuto’s expression shifts after hearing Akaashi’s urgent tone, Akaashi can’t help but close his eyes. He shuts them tight, clenches his hands into fists, and forms his mouth into a thin line. He has to do it. It doesn’t matter the outcome, it doesn’t matter if it hurts, he has to say it. He needs to put it out.

“ _ I like you, _ ” he says quietly. “Please, accept my confession, Bokuto-san.”

It’s like coming from underwater – Akaashi can hear the birds, can almost feel the breeze and his lungs already thank him in advance for trying to reach the surface. Letting it all out, ripping off the band-aid just as quickly as it was set on his heart. The burning on his throat disappears because even if he hasn't reached the surface yet, he’s close enough to feel like he can breathe again. Because he finally told Bokuto about his feelings for him.

He breathes, and slowly opens his eyes. Bokuto is suddenly standing in front of him, and Akaashi doesn’t have time to react or look at him, because suddenly Bokuto hugs him. 

It takes a moment too long for Akaashi to realize what’s happening, but he hugs Bokuto back. He’s confused, unsure and scared, but Bokuto’s warmth is gentle and welcoming. He accepts it, eyes closing again and a soft sigh escaping his lips. One of Bokuto’s hands lays gently on his hair, and Akaashi almost drops his head into his shoulder and neck.

_ It’s comforting _ .

It’s a realization that hits him like a bucket of cold water, noticing how Bokuto is stiff and how his actions speak louder than any words. He steps away like he’s been electrocuted. “Bokuto-san…?” he starts, but Bokuto’s smile is sad and tight. Akaashi’s heart drops, and he already knows the answer. It isn’t a happy one. 

He’s underwater again. 

“Thank you, Akaashi but… I’m sorry. I really am.”

It’s all that Bokuto offers, but Akaashi takes it anyway. He nods, feeling numb inside and stupid for every hoping this would turn out to be mutual. Perhaps he had been daydreaming too much, seeing things that weren’t even there. 

“Thank you for your kindness,” he murmurs anyway, because Bokuto didn’t laugh at him, didn’t turn away in disgust. He comforted Akaashi. He’s thankful for that.

“I’m honored!” Bokuto continues, voice nervous, “Uh… you’re a catch, Akaashi! For real! Anyone would be lucky to have you! I’m... I’m sorry it was me who you have a crush on.”

_ I’m not sorry _ , Akaashi thinks.  _ I’m the one who’s honored.  _

_ Why are you sorry? _

“It’s uh… It’s not that I don’t support it,” Bokuto continues, “uhh.. I mean, I don’t think I’m straight anyway! But–– oh god, I’m making this worse, aren’t I? I’m just… sorry.”

Akaashi shakes his head. He doesn’t trust his own voice right now, but he forces it to seem calm and collected. “It’s okay, Bokuto-san. You don’t have to apologize.”

Bokuto doesn’t look relieved; if anything, he looks even more panicked. But he nods anyway and looks to the ground uncomfortably, unsure of what to do. Akaashi doesn’t blame him – he doesn’t know what to do either. 

“Uhh… Maybe I should leave,” Bokuto offers after a beat of awkward silence. He grabs his bag quietly. “I’ll see you tomorrow, though? For the party?”

His hopeful tone makes Akaashi nod, a forced smile on his face. “Of course, Bokuto-san. We’re still friends.”

Bokuto looks relieved, beaming slightly. “Oh, great! See you tomorrow, Akaashi! I’m really sorry!”

He sprints off, running into the direction they came from. 

Akaashi watches him. He runs until Akaashi can’t see him anymore, lost into the way towards his own house. He stares in that direction for a few minutes, wondering why didn’t he keep his mouth shut. Why didn’t he wait until he didn’t have to look at his face on the next day. He wonders and wonders, heart clenching uncomfortably inside his chest and when he notices his wet cheeks, it’s been way too long since Bokuto left.

Akaashi feels like he’s unable to breathe, drowning with the sorrow and disappointment that go through his body. He feels weak, tired and the water suffocates him with the idea of rejectment, that he was yearning and pining for something so out of reach.

He walks around the park before he goes home, heart shattered into pieces. 

The next day, he acts like nothing happened, and so does Bokuto. For the sake of his happiness, Akaashi pretends he’s fine and that they’re friends like they were before Akaashi’s confession. Nobody notices, he thinks, because no one says a word.

Akaashi decides to learn how to move on.

.

Life is mean in a twisted way, Akaashi thinks, because after his confession, things with Bokuto are never the same. Although they try to keep in touch, it’s only a matter of time before the messages become scarce. During Akaashi’s last year of high school, they’d send mostly good mornings and good nights texts, barely ever reaching a topic to talk about. They meet once or twice, but never alone and always with friends and alumni. It’s how it is for a whole year, until Akaashi attends a different university from Bokuto.

It’s only a matter of time before they don’t see each other anymore. They don’t have topics to talk about so they can’t even start a conversation anymore. Whatever Akaashi had planted there, whatever seed he had used to keep this conversation alive, but it’s not longer fruitful.

Their relationship slowly dies, and Akaashi can only stare at it while it slips from his fingers. He wants to talk more, but it’s also too much for his heart to take. Bokuto doesn’t reach back, and so Akaashi decides maybe he wanted this since the beginning but never said so. Maybe it was his plan all along. Maybe it’s for the best.

Akaashi and Bokuto lose touch.

.

It’s during quiet nights that Akaashi remembers Bokuto Koutarou. He remembers his smile, his voice, the way he would say “Akaashi!” as if he was always happy to see him. How his presence could change the entire mood of a room. 

It’s only at his lowest that he allows himself to cry over the lost friendship.

He could have learned how to live with those romantic feelings, ones that Bokuto never shared with him, and he would have been happy to stay his friend. But he chose to confess, to throw it all away and to lose everything they had. 

During his worst days, Akaashi mourns over a relationship he killed. If he had known those were their last happy days, he would have enjoyed more. He would have been more present.

Now, the days pass by and Akaashi lives in regret. 

He watches Bokuto from afar. Watches him grow and build a successful volleyball career for himself. Akaashi pines, even after so long, for someone so out of reach, like the dreams he had during their high school days. But he never says a word and doesn’t tell anyone about this, even if it’s anyone from Fukurodani or their old rivals from high school. He barely keeps touch with anyone from his past anyways, because as soon as he distanced himself from Bokuto, he decided to shut out everything related to him.

It’s Akaashi’s dirty little secret, how he keeps an eye on Bokuto even after everything. 

Akaashi learns how to move on with the guilt and the mourning inside his chest. Despite everything he feels, he somehow keeps tabs on Bokuto, maybe because he’s a masochist, or maybe he just hates himself that much. He takes this situation as a learning lesson and he refuses to allow people get close to him. 

Of course, he is alive, functioning and existing. He doesn’t require Bokuto to live, and he certainly doesn’t rely on Bokuto to do so. But it hurts to go on without the person that mattered the most to you, to continue a path knowing you both lost touch because  _ you _ fucked up. It haunts Akaashi every night, how he had been the one to cross the line, he had been the one to touch the first domino piece.

He moves on, forward, somehow, anyhow. 

.

Akaashi is twenty-six years old and very hungry.

He has to skip lunch today because of another deadline and how busy he has been. He decides to enter this café next to his work during his break instead to grab something quick and go back into the office. 

Working as an editor was not the life he had planned, but he cannot see himself doing anything else. It’s a stressful job. Akaashi gets very little sleep compared to other people and he rarely ever spends a single day without working even from home – yet, he won’t quit. It keeps him on his toes, to have a hard routine when he’s lonely, with little friends and still not over his high school love.

As he’s about to walk into the cafe, he checks the time on his phone. It’s just past 3 pm, his stomach growls in response and he groans in frustration. He just wants some food and sleep. When he’s about to put his phone back into his pocket, he collides with something – or rather, someone. Akaashi already has an apology ready on his tongue when he looks up. The vision takes his breath away, just like it did the first time he saw  _ him _ .

_ The idle fleeting thought that he was a star crossed my mind. _

Immediately, the first thing Akaashi notices is that Bokuto hasn’t changed much. As much as his hair is slightly shorter, his hairstyle is the same and so is his face. Akaashi has seen him on his computer and TV whenever he managed to watch, but he hadn’t expected to see him up this close to notice all the details. Bokuto looks at him with the same surprised expression Akaashi carries, and it takes them an awkward long staring moment until they both realize what exactly is happening.

“Akaashi,” Bokuto breathes and Akaashi immediately stands straighter, feeling as if he has to be more serious around Bokuto, to show him how well he’s doing without him. It’s a dumb thought, but Akaashi is used to acting like this with strangers and clients. 

_ Strangers _ , that’s all they are now, it comes sadly to his mind. 

“You’re wearing glasses.”

Akaashi blinks and he can’t stop the huff of laughter that leaves his lips. Bokuto looks at him as if he has grown two extra heads. “Spending too much reading and in front of a computer can do this to your eyes, Bokuto-san.”

“You laughed,” Bokuto points out and Akaashi raises an eyebrow at him. 

“That’s a lot of observations, Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto only continues to stare at him for a few more seconds, which makes Akaashi antsy. Through the years they had been apart, Akaashi had slowly learned how to be a bit less serious around others because of the solid friendship he grew with different people, – it helped him to be friendly with clients as well when he needed. He learned how to show a bit more of what he was feeling without betraying the essence of who he is. 

But Bokuto never got to see that.

“I’m sorry, Akaashi,” Bokuto says after shaking his head. “Did I hurt you? You surprised me! It’s been years.”

Akaashi shakes his head. “I’m sorry, too, Bokuto-san. I wasn’t looking ahead. It’s fine. Yes, it has been quite a while now.”

It’s awkward again. Akaashi doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how Bokuto feels or what he even thinks of him. He has questions, but all he manages to do is avert his eyes and look to the ground. It feels unreal, to finally see Bokuto again in person, but Akaashi had never been truly ready for this moment. 

He doesn’t know how to act around him.

“Hey, Akaashi,” Bokuto says softly, his tone with an edge of something Akaashi can’t decipher.  _ It’s been too long anyway, _ he thinks sadly. He doesn’t know him anymore. “I… I miss you, you know? Do you think we could eat something some time? Talk, maybe?”

He eyes Bokuto for a moment, curious and cautious. He  _ wants _ to, desperately, because Bokuto was his best friend before anything, and as much as he harbors bigger feelings for this man, his friendship had been enough for him for the two years they were close in high school. He misses it, the chaos, playfulness and sincerity that Bokuto brought to him with his presence, and he misses having him around to keep him on his toes about how serious he can be sometimes.

But… Akaashi is afraid, too. He’s afraid of letting Bokuto in, getting hurt all over again until he’s so heartbroken he feels apathetic inside. He’s terrified of the idea of turning back to the dark time that he and Bokuto lost touch, that Akaashi had to pick himself up and start again all by himself once again, no best friend by his side. No sun to guide him.

He feels conflicted, and Bokuto seems to notice.

“I just wanna see how you are and catch up for a bit… If you don’t want to, I respect that!” Bokuto continues, voice with a hint of nervousness that makes Akaashi want to reassure him, even after all these years. He doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life wondering again, so he quickly shakes his head.

“I was just surprised, Bokuto-san. Of course. Would you write down my new phone number?”

Akaashi is actually surprised at how calm he sounds. He gives his phone number to Bokuto – who puts it already on his phone, a casual  _ Akaashi Keiji _ being written as his contact name. They share an awkward and strained goodbye and Akaashi watches Bokuto leave, until he’s lost through the crowd on the street. Only then does Akaashi allow himself to let out the breath he had been holding for so long.

He has just met Bokuto on the streets. 

His phone vibrates, the alarm to go back to the office going off. He curses, runs to the café to buy a sandwich, hoping the waiting line isn’t too long. Bokuto has been back for a minute and he has already left a mess behind in Akaashi’s life. 

He’s not sure if he’s scared or excited.

.

Akaashi thinks about this sudden meeting with Bokuto all the time. When he’s not making himself focus on his tasks, the memory comes back to his mind with no permission. He tries to avoid it at all costs, but the more he tries, the more these thoughts come back to haunt him. 

And worse – it’s been three days and Bokuto has yet to contact him. 

Now, if there’s something Akaashi regrets, it was not asking for Bokuto’s number. Or maybe it’s for the best, he thinks, because this way it’s no guarantee that he’ll take Bokuto into his life so easily like this. Maybe the universe is telling him that this was just a fluke, that Akaashi and Bokuto aren’t stars crossed lovers on the destiny’s map. It could be a sign, he decides, and somehow he pushes this into the corner of his mind.

He keeps going as the days pass by, but every once in a while his brain will remind him of something he never had – Bokuto, himself, a happy life  _ together _ in any way. 

Akaashi always shuts these thoughts out whenever he can. He meditates to get rid of them. It helps, and when almost two weeks pass by, Akaashi has mostly forgotten that random day.

Akaashi continues to move on.

.

It’s three weeks after he had randomly met Bokuto, now a simple working Thursday, when his phone rings with an unknown number. 

“Akaashi Keiji speaking,” he answers, voice clipped and professional. This is routine for him, and he awaits for the person to speak to him.

“Uhh, hey, Akaashi! It’s...uhm, it’s Bokuto. Bokuto Koutarou.”

Bokuto’s voice and nervous ramble almost makes Akaashi sit back down on the chair.. He puts a hand on his chest, his heart beating wildly and pinches himself to remember if this is a dream or not.  _ It’s not. For once, it’s not _ .

“Bokuto-san,” he replies calmly, voice less professional but still a bit clipped. He has done this while being nervous a thousand times. He can do this. “I was already thinking you wouldn’t call.”

_ Fuck Keiji _ , he curses inside his head.  _ Why did I say that?! _

“Sorry, Akaashi,” Bokuto laughs sheepishly. “I had a bunch of business deals to solve and I was barely in Tokyo anyway. I didn’t wanna call when I wouldn’t even be here.”

Akaashi pauses, wondering how to proceed. He understands Bokuto, and for a second, he even wonders if he made the right decision or not. Everything between them feels forced, and Akaashi is starting to realize things won’t ever be a tiny bit to how it was before. It hasn’t been long enough, it seems.

“It’s fine,” he decides in the end, but doesn’t say anything else. What else is there to say anyway? Bokuto asked for his number. Akaashi was going to walk away from his life without a second thought that day.

“Can we meet? I wanna talk to you,” Bokuto continues, not baffled by Akaashi’s short and tense answer. “It’s been way too long, Akaashi.”

Akaashi stops and ponders. Giving him his number was already agreeing to this anyway. So, now it’s not like he can say no, it would be rude. With his stomach doing flips, he decides to accept his invitation.

“Of course, Bokuto-san,” he replies, voice a tiny bit soft. He still has way too many feelings for this man. “I suppose your schedule is as erratic as mine, but I do have an hour and a half on weekdays to have lunch.”

“Actually, I was thinking of a day you have more time,” he says, voice quiet and unsure. “I dunno, one hour and a half doesn’t feel enough.”

Akaashi reaches for his glasses, removing them before rubbing his own face. Leave it to Bokuto to make a mess of his heart like this. “Well, this Saturday I’ll only work until eleven then I am off.”

Bokuto hums, sounding deep in thought for a second. “Saturday during lunch works for me, too! Say, do you know that yakiniku restaurant close to the café we met? Let’s meet there at 11:30!”

“It’s a deal,” he agrees,. “I’ll see you on Saturday, then.”

“Ah, wait!” Bokuto starts, a bit desperate, “Do you mind if I….text you?”

For a few seconds, Akaashi is speechless. He hadn’t expected Bokuto to be this serious about this. He takes a deep breath and nods, mostly to himself. 

“Of course not, Bokuto-san. I just can’t guarantee quick responses.”

Bokuto laughs, low but full of happiness, making Akaashi’s heart clench in his chest. He had missed this way too much. “I’ll talk to you later, then!”

Akaashi barely manages one weak  _ bye _ before Bokuto hangs up. He takes a deep breath, shaky and uneven, and all the emotions he has been repressing come back in a rush. It’s too much to have Bokuto back to his life like this, with him willing to be in his life again, to keep in touch and actually talk.

He’s scared, terrified and wants to run away.

But he’s tired of this game, too.

.

To be very fair, Akaashi is a mess during Friday and during Saturday morning. He tries mediating, tries working, anything to distract himself, but nothing helps. In the end, he gives up fighting his mind and allows the anxiety to come like a strong wave that almost knocks him down to the ground. But he stands proud and still, pretending to be unaffected and composed. Akaashi is good at this, he can go through this without giving himself away.

When he arrives at the restaurant, Bokuto is already there, drinking water.

“Akaashi!” he says with a blinding smile, the same one he gives his fans during the games and after his amazing scores. Not that Akaashi hasn’t watched almost every single one of his games, not at all. “Come on, sit!”

He does so, putting his bag next to him. Bokuto chose a more secluded area for both of them and Akaashi is grateful – he doesn’t think he could go with attention now, especially now that Bokuto is kind of a celebrity. 

They order some meat and vegetables, more water for both of them, and then an awkward silence hungs between them. Bokuto seems more unfazed by it this time. 

“Hey,” Bokuto starts slowly. “Why did we stop talking?”

Akaashi blinks at the unexpected question. He doesn’t know why Bokuto is suddenly asking him this, or if it slipped past his lips with no permission. Either way, Akaashi stares at him, face open with shock and hurt. He wants Bokuto to see it.

“It’s a two way street, Bokuto-san,” he replies calmly, the opposite of his heart at the moment. “You weren’t willing to be part of that friendship anymore, so I let you go.”

“ _ That  _ friendship? It doesn’t exist anymore, then, huh?”

“I haven’t talked to you for almost seven years, Bokuto-san.”

“Your tone didn’t use to be this clipped,” he points out and Akaashi feels the anger crawling underneath his skin. 

“Like I said,  _ six years _ have passed, Bokuto-san. I have changed.”

Bokuto is quiet, even when their food arrives and Akaashi starts serving some quietly. He grills his food, Bokuto watching him, and he can’t bring himself to care. 

“I never meant to chase you away from me,” Bokuto murmurs, Akaashi almost not hearing him. “I was scared.”

“If you were scared about my feelings for you, there’s nothing to be worried about now.”

He doesn’t mention how it’s been years but he has never gotten over them. Or how he still thinks of Bokuto as the sun. How he stalks his games and social media. That he’s still pining for someone unreachable.

If he has to lie, he will.

Akaashi misses Bokuto’s  _ oh _ , and just notices that he proceeds to serve for himself as well, mimicking Akaashi’s previous actions. It’s silent for a moment, while they wait for the meat and Akaashi is sipping his water. 

“I’m sorry, Akaashi,” Bokuto starts, voice low and eyes glued to the meat, watching it on the grill. “I’ve spent the last six years wondering what went wrong, why didn’t I fight for our friendship, why didn’t I just try harder when you were right there, willing to stay by my side even when I rejected you.

“But then, I guess I deserved it. I should have dealt with the situation in a better way. I can’t change the past, but I’m glad the universe brought us back together. I was young, stupid, and naive, but I changed. Hopefully, you’ll see that. 

“I do miss you a lot, you know.”

Akaashi’s heart is beating wildly in his chest. Bokuto looks at him just at the end of his ‘speech’, eyes holding that hope he mentioned and clouded with emotions. It makes his heart clench, filled with the idea he doesn’t have an understanding of Bokuto’s emotions so easily anymore, and that he actually wants to have a friendship again with Akaashi. 

It’s in that moment that Akaashi feels like a masochist. He either gets to have Bokuto back in his life as friends, something that will pain him somehow, or he can choose to suffer alone, never see Bokuto again and feel pain anyway from missing him too much. Whatever choice he makes, it sounds like he will endure a lot of pain in the end no matter what; so, why not go for what his heart longs for and say  _ I tried _ afterwards?

He’s been denying himself this ever since he met Bokuto on that random day. But this time, he’s tired of denying, of running away. He will, slowly,  _ try _ for a friendship with him. 

_ A friendship and that’s it _ , he tells himself.

“Apologizing is the first step,” Akaashi starts after an awkward long second. His voice is a bit tight, but he holds his head up and his gaze on Bokuto. He has faced worse clients. He can do this. “And I appreciate it, Bokuto-san. I hope you understand this takes time and work, I cannot simply go back to how we used to be in high school.”

Bokuto smiles shyly, nodding along. “Of course! I’m just… I’m really glad you came, Akaashi.”

Akaashi coughs, trying to hide his small smile and blush. “Me too,” he whispers and a waitress comes back, asking if he wants a refill.

_ Trying _ is the word Akaashi seeks in this new relationship.

_ Friendshi _ p is how he names it, to his heart’s disdain. 

.

Rebuilding a relationship takes time and work. It’s mostly directed to Bokuto, considering how Akaashi is the one being relucant to give in.. 

He overthinks everything, from the way Bokuto talks to him to the time he sends messages. Akaashi is terrified of letting his feelings overtake him again, afraid he will scare him away.

So Akaashi does what he can do the best: he hides. Although he tells himself he is going to  _ try _ this friendship, he also runs from Bokuto like he’s a threat – maybe it’s for the sake of Akaashi’s sanity or his heart, he’s not sure. 

It’s not easy to hide, though, nor to play hard to get. He craves Bokuto’s attention, his little details, his life and his  _ care _ . Akaashi tries to shield himself away from anything Bokuto offers, with scarce meetings and dry texts. But to Akaashi’s horror and his heart’s delight, Bokuto isn’t unfazed by all of this; in fact, it seems to motivate Bokuto even more to try to win Akaashi’s heart  _ (friendship way _ , he thinks like a mantra _ , don’t get your hopes up _ ). 

_. _

_ Date: May 21st; 13:25:03 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: Coffee! _

_ Hey, Akaashi! Let’s get some coffee! _

_ Date: May 21st; 13:55:32 _ _   
_ _ From: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ To: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:Coffee! _

_ I have a busy week ahead, Bokuto-san. Perhaps next week. _

_. _

The messages don’t stop. No matter how dry and detached Akaashi tries to be. His brain screams  _ run while you can  _ while his heart yells back  _ aren’t you tired of running away?! _

.

_ Date: May 23rd; 09:53:12 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: Don’t overwork! _

_ I hope you aren’t overworking yourself, Akaashi!  _

_ Even if it’s a busy week, take some breaks. Take care of yourself! _

_ Date: May 23rd; 12:34:55 _ _   
_ _ From: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ To: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:Don’t overwork! _

_ Thank you, Bokuto-san. I am merely doing my work. _

.

Akaashi slowly allows himself to go out for coffee, sometimes lunch or dinner with Bokuto. He avoids inviting the other man to his house, and the only time Bokuto invited him over, he found a quick excuse not to go. He thinks of Bokuto’s disappointed face, of his smiling hiding something he didn’t know what it was, of the clipped conversation afterwards. 

Akaashi isn’t ready to let him totally in yet. He needs more time, time to grow used to Bokuto’s presence and how to deal with his feelings so he doesn’t scare Bokuto away once again. They continue to text, and Bokuto always manages to bring a topic, to create a conversation. He sends a list of messages and doesn’t mind if Akaashi answers everything with one simple line. He keeps it going.

.

_ Date: June 3rd; 15:33:31 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: Reunion! _

_ Akaashi!! Did you hear about the reunion of high school at the end of the year!!! I’m excited!!! Are you going???? _

_ Date: June 3rd; 16:01:55 _ _   
_ _ From: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ To: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:Reunion! _

_ Yes, I’ve heard about it from Suzumeda-san. I intend to make it.  _

.

“Akaashi, did you watch my last game?” Bokuto asks in a greeting, bouncing off his feet with joy. His smile, happy, full of pride and excitement makes Akaashi crack a tiny smile. It’s contagious, honestly, as he had always been. His presence always changes the mood of the place and this hasn’t changed.

It’s Friday evening and they meet at this restaurant close to Akaashi’s apartment – something he hasn’t told Bokuto when mentioning their hamburgers. He only says they’re amazing and worth a try, and Bokuto asks to go there next chance they have with no hesitation. 

“I did, Bokuto-san,” he greets, watching the other man take a seat in front of him. He’s still exhaling enthusiasm, smiling so big that it makes Akaashi want to smile wider. “Congratulations on your win.”

“Thanks, ‘kaashi!” he replies, and settles on his seat. He looks not just excited about his game, but with being there with Akaashi as well. It makes Akaashi’s heart clench.

“Do you want me to walk you through the menu?” he asks politely and Bokuto  _ beams _ . 

“Yeah! Please!”

Akaashi could never say no to him like this.

.

_ Date: June 12th; 23:25:20 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: Thanks!! _

_ Thanks for coming for the game, Akaashi!! I appreciate it!!! _

_ Date: June 12th; 23:33:04 _ _   
_ _ From: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ To: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:Thanks!! _

_ I had fun, Bokuto-san. Congratulations again on your win. Send my best regards to your teammates. _

_. _

Akaashi sits on his bed, phone in on hand, staring at the wall opposite to his bed. He started feeling self-conscious about how he’s slowly giving in to this new relationship a few days ago, and now with yesterday’s game he realizes that, maybe, he hadn’t been as distant as he wanted to.

Sure, the first days he managed to be as distant and detached as he wanted to. But he recently noticed how Bokuto wormed his way into his heart again without him realizing or giving permission for it to happen. He, once more, wants to run away, to get rid of Bokuto and the heartache he brings to Akaashi daily, but he knows better than to do this right now.

It’s been almost a decade since he first fell in love with Bokuto Koutarou. He’s tired and he needs to let go of this unrequited love.

For the first time in a good while, he lays back on his bed and allows the tears to come.

The sobs wreck his chest, painfully relieving the ache previously resting there.

  
  


.

  
  


Akaashi doesn’t like doing this – one night stands aren’t his thing. But he figured out years ago that if he couldn’t find another person to fall in love with –  _ yet, please, let it have a yet at the end of this sentence _ –, then he would simply find pleasure and a little bit of romance in other people for one night only. He usually doesn’t even try much, considering he has good looks even after all these years, and being in a gay nightclub makes it much easier for him.

He fucks random people, sometimes get fucked. He never calls anyone, doesn’t let anyone call him either. Akaashi doesn’t even tell them his real name, and this time, when he meets the guy, he tells him that his name is  _ Bokuto _ .

It’s out of his mouth before he can think, but the guy doesn’t seem to know any volleyball to recognize the name. They fuck in a cheap hotel, Akaashi leaving right afterwards to go straight home. He takes a shower, rubs off for minutes every ounce of dirty he feels there, and heads to bed feeling extra tired.

The next day, Bokuto meets him at a café before he has to leave for a whole week because of games. They share a friendly conversation, with Bokuto usually doing most of the talking – Akaashi usually just listens, not because of how he’s always been since high school, but because he doesn’t know if talking would make him reveal more than he wants to. But the other man doesn’t seem to mind, because he never says something if it bothers him. 

After they eat and drink some coffee, they head to the station side by side. Summer is arriving, hot and humid, and a breeze passes through them as they arrive at the entrance of the station. Bokuto looks at him and stops, dead on his tracks. Akaashi stops as well, looking at him with a question in his eyes.

“Is that a hickey?” he asks, voice a pitch higher, and he shuts his mouth as soon as the words are out.

Akaashi’s hand immediately shoots his hand up to the place where he can  _ feel _ the hickey. He knows it’s there, and he had been wearing this shirt for a specific reason.

“Uhm, yes,” he decides to go with the truth, awkwardly. Maybe it’s a sign to show Bokuto that he ‘moved on’.

“I didn’t know you were dating someone,” Bokuto states carefully, looking at Akaashi with a firm gaze that didn’t leave space for him to run away. It was almost like he wanted Akaashi to prove his statement wrong, to tell him that he didn’t have anyone.

Which, technically, is true. “I’m not,” he replies, gaze steady on Bokuto. The latter mouths an  _ oh _ , and then nods, averting his gaze. Akaashi is left puzzled, not sure what this means, if Bokuto cares or not, if he’s thinking of Akaashi’s love life as a friend or as a––  _ No _ . Akaashi shakes this thoughts away, refusing to go there.

“I see,” Bokuto says, and his hands fidget for a second. “Well, anyone would be lucky to have you, Akaashi!”

Akaashi blinks, unsure of what to answer. Bokuto nods and then turns around, not expecting Akaashi to answer him anyway. 

“See ya, Akaashi!” he waves, walking away and Akaashi only waves back, confused.

It’s always like this with Bokuto: Akaashi being left behind as a confused mess. He wants to reach him, ask what he meant, talk it out, but he also  _ can’t _ . He knows he has to keep his distance, he has to protect his feelings and his heart again. So, he watches Bokuto walk away, hands in his pockets, back straight and tall.

Akaashi’s heart clenches. He’s still watching Bokuto’s back, even after all these years.

.

_ Date: June 30th; 16:52:36 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: Dinner _

_ Akaashi!! Dinner at my place tonight? Please? _

_ Date: June 30th; 17:05:23 _ _   
_ _ From: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ To: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:Dinner _

_ At 20h. I hope it’s not take out. _

  
  


.

“Bokuto-san?” he incredulously answers his phone, his Sunday off being interrupted in the beginning of the evening. Not that he minds, but he had been taking some time off from Bokuto and now said man randomly just calls him. “Is everything alright?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask you if I could call,” he mumbles, voice quiet and it reminds Akaashi of Bokuto’s dejected moods from high school.  _ Past days _ , he reminds himself, because this is not how Bokuto is anymore – if anything, he’s anything far from that. Managing to stop himself from having those mood drops and managing to actually lift himself up without anyone’s help is something that impressed Akaashi to no end the first time he noticed it. But then, again, Bokuto grew and changed, just like Akaashi did.

“It’s okay,” he replies, unsure and scared of the reason why Bokuto called. “I wasn’t busy.”

He almost kicks himself from saying this, considering how he had promised himself to be detached.  _ It’s impossible to be at all times, I guess _ , he thinks. 

“I dunno,” Bokuto starts and there’s a hint of nervousness on his voice. “I guess I just feel like I am not reaching you sometimes.”

Akaashi blinks slowly and sits on his couch. He hadn’t been expecting this. He hadn’t been waiting for Bokuto to confront him like this, or ever at all. But he supposes that Bokuto has changed, and Akaashi isn’t able to expect anything from him anymore since they don’t really know each other. Not like they used to, anyway.

“What do you mean?” he asks back, voice cautious and unsure of what to do. He hadn’t thought of this part yet, of when Bokuto figures out he’s hiding himself from him, and  _ if _ (and that’s a huge if) he decided to confront him about it. 

“I guess you just seem so cautious around me,” Bokuto explains and his voice isn’t tight, nor uncomfortable. It’s soothing actually, like he’s trying to show Akaashi that it’s okay. “I keep wondering if it’s because of the past or just how you are right now. I don’t know, Akaashi, I just feel like you’re tiptoeing around me. You don’t have to, you know?”

He releases a shaky breath, one he hopes that Bokuto does not hear. It feels worse than he imagined, to hear Bokuto point out all the things he has been doing just like that. He feels guilty, ashamed, and a bit angry for being obvious. For a second, his mind is bombarded with questions, excuses, possible scenarios, and what ifs. He doesn’t know if he should back down, come clean, or even if he should just hang up and pretend it never happened, that Bokuto never came back.

Running away is what his brain screams, but his heart is loudly yelling back at him to be brave, to be honest with himself and his feelings. His heart says that Bokuto deserves it. His brain says that Bokuto doesn’t deserve it. It’s an endless discussion inside his head, brain and heart fighting.

A second passes by. Akaashi is freaking out on the inside.

“I just hope you can trust me. I wanna fix things, Akaashi. I wanna do it right this time.”

_ Do what right? _ , Akaashi wants to ask.  _ What does this ‘it’ mean? _ , Akaashi wants to yell. 

He wonders about Bokuto’s implications of doing this relationship right as if their previous one had been wrong or a mistake. Their friendship hadn’t been wrong, it just  _ went _ wrong. What was done wrong was his pursuit of a romantic relationship with Bokuto – but, thinking it through, it actually never truly happened. It was just a false lead into his head, something he had hoped for one day to bloom. But you can’t make a flower grow with no water, with no fertilizer to make it blossom. 

_ Let it go _ , his heart screams. But Akaashi isn’t brave enough to go through heartbreak again, to suffer and to have to deal with it alone afterwards.  _ It’s not running away, it’s called self-preservation.  _

“Of course, Bokuto-san,” he replies and he’s a bit shocked at how calm and collected his voice sounds. He’s a professional, still, and he will be one right now. “It’s just been years, that’s all.”

Bokuto hums. “Okay… I trust you.” 

_ Please don’t, please don’t trust me. I’m lying to you and to myself over and over again.  _

“Can we just talk for a bit, then?” Bokuto continues.

“Of course. How was your day?”

Bokuto wants to talk to him, wants to get to know him again. 

He’s fucked.

_. _

_ Date: July 7th; 10:41:00 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: Thanks!! _

_ Akaashi, last night I had so much fun!! Thanks for joining me to watch that movie!! _

_ Date: July 7th; 10:56:50 _ _   
_ _ From: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ To: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:Thanks!! _

_ I had fun as well, Bokuto-san.  _

_. _

  
  


What motivates him Akaashi to break down his walls slowly, without his full permission, is still a mystery to him. 

Perhaps it’s how Bokuto has been so nice to him, or the way he shows he cares in the little actions. The daily goodnight and good morning texts and the way he always asks Akaashi to take care of himself. 

Perhaps it’s how Bokuto shows him slowly that he was ready to worm into Akaashi’s heart again and not leave him a hurting mess. The café dates and dinners shared become a routine at Bokuto’s place (never at Akaashi’s, and Bokuto respects that). The smiles, the lingering glances and the little touches that never stop Akaashi from being flustered or feel shy.

But it’s overwhelming at the same time. He’s spending more and more time with Bokuto, becoming intoxicated by his presence and personality; then again, hasn’t he been like that for almost a decade now? Bokuto brings the nostalgia of the old days, but a sense of safety is new for Akaashi, something that an older and more mature Bokuto has. 

“You know, Akaashi,” Bokuto says during one of their nights having dinner at Bokuto’s place (Akaashi leaves work earlier during those days, and if he has to work a bit harder and stay over extra time, he never mentions it to the other man), “I feel like we’re not chasing the old friendship. We’re rebuilding it, but this time, it’s better.”

Akaashi can’t agree more. But the word  _ friendship _ yells at his mind, because sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. 

Because this time, he’s falling for Bokuto harder than before.

.

_ Run away, go while you can _ , his mind whispers.

_ But I want to stay,  _ his heart chants back.

Akaashi stares at a wall. 

_ Friendship, that’s all _ , he decides finally, choosing not to dwell on it.  _ I’ll take his friendship. _

_. _

_ Date: July 12th; 19:23:11 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: Shopping _

_ Akaashi!! I need to buy some volleyball supplies!! Wanna join me? I know it’s Thursday, so whenever you can!! _

_ Date: July 12th; 19:26:34 _ _   
_ _ From: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ To: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:Shopping _

_ Of course. Would this Saturday be acceptable? _

_. _

It reaches a breaking point.

Of course, it’s not all at once. At first, Akaashi doesn’t understand nor mind the little touches; but he’s wary of them, afraid of what they mean, what they imply. A pat on the shoulder, a hug that makes Akaashi uncomfortable – Bokuto used to be a touchy person, and Akaashi doesn’t think that has changed. It doesn’t mean anything.

But then, the questions come. First, it’s questions about Akaashi’s day, what he’s working on – if he can tell, of course – and how his coworkers are. Soon, the questions are about Akaashi’s likes and dislikes, what he eats and what he doesn’t, what he watches and what he doesn’t. It becomes more and more personal, so Akaashi starts evading the questions, afraid of what he could slip and what this means to Bokuto. It becomes borderline invasive at some point, with Bokuto asking to visit Akaashi’s apartment, which he declines twice. Akaashi wonders if Bokuto actually understands the word “boundaries” at all. 

He evades everything as much as he can without actually ruining the friendship they are slowly building. But there’s only so much Akaashi can take until things actually go wrong.

On Saturday, the 14th of July, they meet downtown to go shopping for Bokuto’s supplies. Akaashi is still wary of the situation, but he genuinely wants to be friends with Bokuto. He must be a masochist, he decides, but either way it will turn into heartbreak – might as well have Bokuto for as long as he can.

It’s not like his brain makes it easy for him anyway. Akaashi feels conflicted all the time, between pushing Bokuto away and melting for his smiles. He wants to be as detached as possible, but how can he be like this when Bokuto is  _ right there _ , gentle and warm and so enticing to Akaashi?

As they walk through the stores, Akaashi holds the urge to grab Bokuto’s hand. How would it feel to actually grab it, he wonders, Akaashi’s calloused fingers because of typing against Bokuto’s own fingers, also calloused but because of volleyball? Would it feel right, two halves melting against one another, two broken pieces randomly fitting together, like destined by the universe? He wonders if it would bring the excitement of buying something new that you desired for so long, if it would bring the warmth of coming home after such a long time, or if it would bring the haziness of kissing the lips he had wished to kiss for such a long time. Of course, Akaashi never does, and Bokuto snaps him out of his thoughts with a question that Akaashi manages to miss. 

Akaashi merely blinks at him, confusion on his face. Bokuto laughs. “I asked if you’re okay, but seems like you weren’t even here with me.”

He blushes, even more when he notices Bokuto’s tiny hurt voice – something he has started to finally understand and organize inside his head, the emotions on Bokuto’s voice – but he shakes his head slightly.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes with a slight bow, which makes Bokuto frown. Akaashi notices his expression as he straightens his back again. “I was thinking of work problems.”

“Well, then don’t!” he says with a brilliant smile, “You always look so tense, Akaashi! You need some fun, come on!”

He grabs Akaashi by the arm, not waiting for his answer, already dragging him away. Akaashi blinks, feeling the urge to ask Bokuto to kindly  _ not _ touch Akaashi so freely like this, to keep his distance. But he reminds himself this is some harmless grabbing, that they are trying to become friends and Bokuto used to be very touchy – he swallows the thought and refuses to dwell on it again. 

Bokuto drags him through the stores, looking for whatever he wants to buy and plus unnecessary things. It’s a busy day, between random stores and easy conversations. Akaashi dives into Bokuto’s soothing presence, and for once, he doesn’t think of work or overthink about his relationship with Bokuto. Perhaps it’s the mood Bokuto brings, perhaps it’s Bokuto himself, or perhaps it’s a combination of both, how his personality and good spirits always manage to somehow break Akaashi out of his awful thoughts. 

_ Just like when we were in high school. _

“Akaashi, which one do you think is better?” Bokuto asks, holding two different jump ropes. Akaashi eyes both of them, looking back at Bokuto.

“I have no idea, since I’d need to test it out. And also, I haven’t had time to train in years, Bokuto-san. I wouldn’t know either way.”

Akaashi’s flat tone doesn’t scare Bokuto away. In fact, it seems to have made him consider his words, which Akaashi thinks as a good thing for a second – until he’s opening up space to  _ jump rope in the middle of a goddamn store _ .

.

“They do have many things here, huh!” 

“It is a drugstore, Bokuto-san. Did you get your supplies?”

“Oh! Akaashi! Look at that soap! It looks fancy.”

“ _ Bokuto-san. _ ”

“One quick look!”

Akaashi sighs.

.

“Can we get some food ‘Kaashi? I’m starving!”

“A snack, yes. Let’s go to a café?”

“Owl café!”

“ _ Bokuto-san. _ ”

“Please?” 

Akaashi has a problem with Bokuto’s puppy dog eyes even six years later.

He sighs again, nodding. Bokuto beams.

.

It was an exhausting day, but one Akaashi had enjoyed immensely. 

Bokuto is quite tiring, something Akaashi has known since high school – then again, he’s proven that he hasn’t changed that much at all. He walked into many stores, dragged Akaashi around and talked almost the entire time. But Akaashi didn’t hate it, in fact, it was like a breath of fresh air in his life. He’s so used to working late and spending very little time relaxing that, in the end, was only physically exhausting – mentally, he feels more alive than ever. 

They sit at said owl café and Akaashi watches Bokuto pet some owls. They’re all pretty friendly – well most of them, but the unfriendly ones are closer to the ceiling, just watching – and even Akaashi pets one or two. But Bokuto is obsessed with them (another thing that hasn’t changed, and Akaashi thinks that maybe he had been watching the other man way too closely even back then) and he pets every single one of the friendly ones. 

Bokuto has already finished his pastry and Akaashi finishes his own, sipping his tea. He’s tired of running around and it’s already almost the beginning of the evening, so Akaashi is dying to go home. He fishes his phone, checking for any messages about work. Maybe it’s stupid, but he feels his gut saying something isn’t quite right. He doesn’t know why he thinks of work first, but when he sees no messages, he decides not to worry too much about it. Must be nothing, just his head glued to his job like it always is.

“Bokuto-san,” he starts as the host of the place leaves with the owl Bokuto had been petting. He turns back to Akaashi’s side as he hears his voice and he looks happy, relaxed. “Perhaps I should heave home. It’s quite late and I have some work to finish.”

“Right!” Bokuto says and waves to the waitress. “Can you bring the bill?”

“Of course,” the waitress says – flirting a little, in Akaashi’s opinion – and leaves.

“Sorry, Akaashi. I invited you to shop with me quickly but I stole you for the entire afternoon, basically!” he says sheepishly, rubbing his neck awkwardly. But he smiles at Akaashi, the one that steals his breath all the time and makes his heart beat twice faster. “I’m glad you came!”

Akaashi’s face softens without his permission, making Bokuto beam. “Thank you for inviting me,” he hums for a second and allows himself a small smile, just an upward of his lips. “I had a good time.”

“Then I did my job correctly,” Bokuto claims proudly, and as soon as the waitress returns, he gives her his credit card. “I’ll cover this, after all, I dragged you around all day.”

“This isn’t necessary, Bokuto-san, I––” he starts, but Bokuto is shushing him, paying already.

“No complaining, Akaashi. I invited you, it’s only fair.”

Akaashi honestly disagrees and wants to argue back at him, but Bokuto has already paid and Akaashi is too tired to formulate correct arguments. He nods, sighs quietly, and watches Bokuto’s smug face reveal itself. 

“Just this time,” he murmurs, just to spite him. Bokuto huffs a laugh.

“Whatever you say.”

They leave the café, the evening settling in slowly to end the afternoon. Akaashi considers in his head what he will have for dinner later, even though he’s not even close to being hungry after his snack. He looks around and recognizes the neighborhood – after all, he realizes, he  _ lives _ around here. He doesn’t notice much, but he’s two blocks away from his apartment complex.  _ Oh _ , he thinks, _ I don’t notice because this is the opposite direction from where I usually go _ .

“Nice neighborhood,” Bokuto says. “I’ll call a cab. Wanna share?”

“It’s not necessary,” Akaashi replies, looking at the trees from the park he sees whenever he looks out from his small balcony. He had wanted to go there for a while now, but he never found a good time to do so. “I live close by, I’ll walk.”

Bokuto blinks, and Akaashi freezes immediately, already recognizing his own mistake. He mentioned his own place. He revealed he lives close by. He gave Bokuto the opportunity to get to know him better, to offer to walk him home. Akaashi almost sighs, because he’s sure it will come, and he is proven right a second later.

“Oh, really?” Bokuto starts already excited. “Then, I’ll walk you home!”

Akaashi wants to punch himself in the face. “It isn’t necessary, Bokuto-san. It’s very close, I can go on my own.”

Mistake number two, realizes a beat afterwards, because now he mentioned he lives  _ really _ close. Bokuto, of course, is having none of it.

“No, I insist!” he continues and looks around. “Which one is it? Come on, Akaashi, you’ve been helping me all day. Let me walk you home.”

He finishes his sentence with a serious, not-open-for-discussion face. Akaashi doesn’t want to bring Bokuto right in front of his safe space, to show him where he lives and open the unspoken request of calling him for a cup of tea, but Akaashi doesn’t want to run away anymore. 

_ Friendship _ , he chants inside his head.

“I’ll just walk you home, Akaashi,” Bokuto says after noticing his hesitation, “I won’t ask to come in, don’t worry. I need to go home anyway.”

_ I didn’t mean to hurt him,  _ he thinks guiltily. “It’s okay, Bokuto-san. It’s that building. Shall we go?”

Bokuto beams at him again, his smile brilliant and happy. Relieved, Akaashi’s heart clenches inside his chest, and he feels the urge to run away again. 

_ Friendship _ , he chants once again and walks along with Bokuto.

. 

“You really didn’t have to walk me home, Bokuto-san,” Akaashi says, looking at his face with his hands on his pockets. Bokuto looks shyly at him, face hidden in emotions Akaashi can’t decipher yet. He wants to ask, but this interaction is already making him anxious enough. They’re inside the building, and even though Bokuto hadn’t asked, Akaashi sort of let him walk him to his door. Maybe it’s the guilt, maybe it’s the stupid hope he always yearns for him, but he allowed him to do this. And this whole situation makes him sick to his stomach, because not only does Bokuto know which building he lives in, he knows which  _ apartment _ he lives in.

“I wanted to, okay? We were already close by anyways and I just wanted to make sure you got home safely!”

His bright smile ends up bringing a small, unsure smile to Akaashi’s own lips. He wonders what else to say, how to leave this situation without making things worse. But Bokuto goes on.

“I have to go now… But uh, Akaashi?”

Akaashi, who has been fishing for his keys in his pockets, looks up, expectantly. What he doesn’t expect is for Bokuto to be closer than normal, close enough that Akaashi can see the fire in his eyes and the emotions he usually cannot decipher on his face. Or maybe he doesn’t want to, he realizes, because Bokuto  _ leans in _ .

It takes a second, but before Bokuto’s lips touch Akaashi’s, he shoves Bokuto away. His expression is of pure fear, eyes wide and scared about Bokuto’s implications. His breath comes in heavy short puffs, and he feels as if he had been running a marathon. He feels paralyzed, but his mouth cannot stop from opening.

“What the hell is this?!” he spits out in anger before he can even think, and then he’s glaring at Bokuto. The other man looks shocked, and Akaashi isn’t even ashamed to say it satisfied him to see it. “Am I a joke to you?!”

Bokuto blinks, watching Akaashi trying to unlock his door. He’s shaking, angry and nervous, and Bokuto extends his left arm to reach out for him. But Akaashi sees it from the corner of his eyes, and just in time for him to unlock the door, he slaps Bokuto’s hand away.

“Who gave you the right to come back in my life and ruin me like this?” Akaashi is angry and  _ hurt _ . “I’m not your toy, Bokuto. Leave and do not come back.”

Akaashi walks inside in a rush and slams the door, quickly locking it afterwards.

He feels like dying. He leans back on the door, falling slowly to the ground. Akaashi’s eyes are still wide and scared, his hands shaking from confronting Bokuto, from almost receiving a kiss from him. He can only stare at his hands on his lap as he hears Bokuto’s footsteps fade into the background, and it’s only then that Akaashi breaks again.

It’s easier this time, he thinks, because he didn’t have any expectations. But it’s also worse, because, for once, he was sure things would get better. Bokuto walking back into his life had been a blessing and a curse, he decides between wrecked sobs and still shaking hands. 

_ Heartbreak is a bitch _ , is all that comes to his mind.

Bokuto made a fool out of him. 

He will never forgive Bokuto for this.

.

Akaashi doesn’t answer any of Bokuto’s texts or calls.

Fortunately, he knows better than to simply go to Akaashi’s apartment – something that haunts him every single day, that he allowed Bokuto to find out where he lives – or even look for him at his work. He’s thankful for the space, but not thankful for the lack of it in the texts and phone calls.

Although Bokuto doesn’t start until it’s Monday morning, he texts every day, randomly trying to start conversations and apologizing nonstop, and every night he calls him once. 

Akaashi ignores everything related to Bokuto, even when his phone pings with updates on Bokuto’s professional life, or when his coworkers comments he was looking less gloomier the past few weeks. It makes Akaashi angry, knowing that Bokuto had impacted him this much that he hadn’t even realized. He feels like punching something, or someone, maybe Bokuto himself.

But he doesn’t. Instead, he hides, this time both brain and heart telling him to do so. He can’t face Bokuto after he had humiliated him with his own feelings, threw everything out of the window with his joking. 

Akaashi doesn’t hate him, he doesn’t think he can, but right now Bokuto is his least favorite person. He would rather see anyone but Bokuto, mostly because his heart can’t take it. 

_ He made fun of me _ , Akaashi thinks as he watches his phone buzzing with Bokuto’s call once more.

Akaashi won’t give in. He refuses to fall for his own stupidity again. He won’t.

.

He misses Bokuto like missing a limb.

_ Hate him _ , his mind screams into the void.

_ We can’t,  _ his heart supplies back.

.

_ Date: July 17th; 17:02:44 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ Akaashi, please… I’m sorry! Let’s talk, please. _

_ I have nothing to tell you _ , he thinks.

.

_ Date: July 19th; 11:56:40 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ Akaashi, I am very sorry for what happened. Please, let me explain. _

_ I don’t want to hear your empty words,  _ he thinks.

.

_ Date: July 20th; 08:15:01 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ I hope you’re okay. _

_ I am not and it’s all your fault _ , he yells inside his head.

.

_ Date: July 22nd; 12:06:23 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ I miss you. _

_ I miss you, too. But your empty words can’t reach me anymore,  _ he cries into his pillow.

_. _

_ Date: July 25th; 19:25:12 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ Akaashi, please, give me a chance to explain myself. Please. _

_ I can’t,  _ he whispers to himself before going to bed.

.

_ Date: July 30th; 02:53:56 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ I can’t stop remembering your face. I know I’ve hurt you. Please, let me explain. _

_ If you know you’ve hurt me, you’d step away and let me be,  _ he bitterly thinks while eating his food.

.

_ Date: August 1st; 18:36:25 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ Akaashi, please. _

_ No,  _ he decides while typing on his computer.  _ No. _

_. _

_ Date: August 6th; 15:51:03 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ I saw someone on the streets that I thought it was you. I called your name, but the person didn’t even react. You wouldn’t, right? _

_ It was me _ . He remembers heart beating fast, a hope for Bokuto not to chase him, excuses ready on the tip of his tongue. It was him, and it terrified him how the universe keep bringing them together.  _ I would and I did. And I will again if I have to. _

_. _

_ Date: August 12th; 23:12:44 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ I miss you. Even more now. _

_ You don’t have the right to,  _ Akaashi cries once more on his bed.  _ You never did.  _

_. _

_ Date: August 24th; 20:03:41 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ I went to that owl café we went to together. It was lonely without you. I didn’t have fun. _

_ Please,  _ Akaashi begs to the world, to himself, to Bokuto.  _ Please, end my suffering. _

_. _

_ Date: September 3rd; 21:45:13 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ I’m still hoping for the day you text me back. _

_ Why?!  _ Akaashi tosses in bed.  _ Why can’t you stop hurting me?! _

_. _

_ Date: September 10th; 06:15:10 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ One talk. That’s all I ask. _

_ It’s too much.  _ Akaashi drinks his coffee.  _ It’s more than you deserve. _

  
  


_. _

  
  


_ Date: September 16th; 22:14:45 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ I am not going to give up on you this time. _

_. _

Akaashi yells in frustration. He overthinks every day, hoping this to be over. Akaashi desperately wants Bokuto to leave his life like he had previously and never come back. 

_ Leave, leave! _ he begs over and over again, but it never comes, the universe doesn’t hear him. Bokuto just keeps returning, just to break Akaashi’s heart all over again. Akaashi doesn’t want that, he can’t go through that one more time. He can’t.

He refuses to fall victim to his own feelings for Bokuto again.

_. _

_ Date: September 18th; 08:25:12 _ _   
_ _ From: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ To: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:No Subject  _ **_(saved in drafts; not sent)_ **

_ Please, Bokuto-san. I can’t take this again. _

_ Please let me go,  _ he begs once more to nothing, to the wall, to the universe.  _ Please. I don’t wish to suffer anymore. Take this pain away. Please. _

_. _

_Date: September 18th; 09:12:49_ _  
_ _From:Bokuto Koutarou_ _  
__To: Akaashi Keiji_ _  
_ _Subject: No Subject_

_ Akaashi. I just want to talk. If you want me out of your life after this, I’ll respect you. But I won’t leave you alone until you at least hear me out. That’s all I ask.  _

_ Date: September 18th; 22:35:20 _ _   
_ _ From: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ To: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ Subject: No Subject _

_ It’s been 66 days.  _

_. _

_ Date: September 18th; 23:41:55 _ _   
_ _ From: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ To: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:No Subject  _ **_(saved in drafts; not sent)_ **

_ Let me go. Please, let me go, Bokuto-san. I cannot take this anymore. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of hiding. I’m tired of pretending I don’t love you anymore. Please, let me go, for the sake of my feelings. I love you too much to stay just to be hurt like this. _

_. _

_ Date: September 19th; 00:03:59 _ _   
_ _ From: Akaashi Keiji _ _   
_ _ To: Bokuto Koutarou _ _   
_ _ Subject: Re:No Subject _

_ Tonight, at 6pm. My apartment. _

  
  


_Date: September 19th; 00:04:12_ _  
_ _From:Bokuto Koutarou_ _  
__To: Akaashi Keiji_ _  
_ _Subject: Re:Re:No Subject_

_ I’ll be there. Thank you. _

_. _

Akaashi doesn’t think he has been this nervous ever since he got his current job. Perhaps, then, it was a fear with excitement, the idea of getting a good job looking ahead; now, it’s just fear with dread, the idea of hearing Bokuto and being hurt even further is something he already expects. He doesn’t want to allow this hope to grow inside of him, the idea of Bokuto having feelings back because it has been way too long, and Akaashi doesn’t want to experience that heartbreak again.

He tries to calm himself, tries to pretend things are fine. He had requested to leave work early, and he was easily allowed to, considering his impeccable record there. Akaashi needed time, mostly to prepare himself for the hurt and heartbreak he’s ready to face. 

This time, he decides not to be friends with Bokuto anymore. Their relationship is far too damaged to be fixed at this point, and Akaashi is so tired of hurting, of needing to run away again and again. 

He loves Bokuto, he yearns for his attention, for his warmth and smiles, for his presence, but Akaashi isn’t masochist enough to stay. He knows if he doesn’t step away right now and cut contact again, he might never find peace. He knows better than to fall for it again.

It’s a trap, designed by the universe to make sure Akaashi suffers for the rest of his life. As long as he loves Bokuto, he’s doomed to keep hurting. 

_ I can hurt, just as long as I don’t hurt because he’s here _ .

The doorbell rings. Akaashi takes a deep breath and gets up.

.

“Good evening, Bokuto-san,” he says respectfully as soon as he opens the door. Bokuto looks the same, if not a bit tired. “Please, come in.”

Bokuto is quiet. Akaashi is used to the quietness by now and, if anything, he sort of deserves it after leaving Bokuto hanging for two months of pure silence. Must be payback, he decides, but remembers Bokuto asked for this. Previously to what happened, Bokuto has always been the one doing most of the talking anyways, and this time, he  _ has _ to fulfill this role, not only with random conversation but now with an actual explanation. He has to tell Akaashi why, so he can try to earn Akaashi’s forgiveness.

He walks them to the couch, where some tea waits for them on his coffee table. Tea is safe, tea is comforting, and Akaashi chose it thinking of the unavoidable heartbreak that is to come. It’s easier like this, he thinks. Bokuto sits on the couch, on one end, and Akaashi sits on the other end. 

_ Distance yourself physically and emotionally. _

“I guess I deserved the time of silence,” Bokuto starts, voice low and full of emotions Akaashi hadn’t heard in months. “After all, I made you wait so many years and never explained shit.”

Akaashi almost frowns. Bokuto isn’t making any sense. But he doesn’t interrupt him or ask what he means, waiting for him to continue. 

“Why would you want me back when I refused your confession when I was seventeen?” Bokuto laughs bitterly, hollow and pained. “I wanted to be with you so bad back then. I just knew we couldn’t be together. My career, perhaps yours, everything would be affected. I thought maybe you’d move on, forget me and live your life. I had made peace with that in my mind. I told myself letting you go was the right choice. If I knew it would hurt this much, only then for the universe to bring us back, I wouldn’t have. I wasted too much time.”

_ This is a dream _ , Akaashi’s brain chants,  _ this has to be a dream. _

_ Why would it be _ , his heart yells back,  _ why can’t you have some hope? _

Hope means giving a chance to crush you even harder.

“I know I am years too late, and I was so sure you didn’t feel the same, but then… I risked it. Because you were there, so close for me to reach and I  _ needed _ to know if you were over me. If you hadn’t been thinking of me during these past years like I have been thinking of you. 

“You pushed me away. You said you can’t take this anymore. So, Akaashi, I am here telling you that I accept your confession and I don’t care how many years late I am. I won’t make excuses anymore. I’m tired of running away. But please… If you feel the same and you’re hurting for as long as I have been, please, tell me. I need to know. I  _ want  _ to know.”

Akaashi doesn’t look at him. He holds his cup with both hands, looking at the wam liquid inside of it. He wonders if this is hot enough to hurt Bokuto if he threw this on his face. Probably. 

Hope is tricky, hope is dangerous. He stares at his hands, not sure how to respond yet. Bokuto laid his heart for him, telling him he has felt the same for many years. That they could have been together since high school, but never got to have this because of Bokuto’s decision. Akaashi wonders if he would have done the same, and he thinks he would. He would have, because as much as it hurt both of them, they were young and had no idea if career would come before their relationship in the future.

“Why now?” Akaashi asks, voice tiny and hoarse. He doesn’t want to cry. He won’t cry. Akaashi continues staring at his own cup. “What made you change your mind?”

“Meeting you again,” Bokuto replies softly and smiles melancholically. “I knew I wanted to at least keep in touch after I met you again, but then… I fell for you again, Akaashi. I fell  _ harder _ for you, because time and distance made me realize that no career could bring me the joy you do. 

“I love volleyball. I will always love it. But Akaashi, I realized that I love you more than volleyball to walk away again. I just love you that much. I can’t ignore this anymore. I was hoping that if you didn’t love me anymore, I could at least try to make you fall for me again. I… I just wanted you back in my life. I missed you, God, I  _ miss  _ you.”

He watches his cup,and his hand holding it, growing wet with tears that keep falling from Akaashi’s eyes. How many years had he hoped to hear this? How many years had he been waiting to hear this? It feels surreal, to hear it and realize it’s not a dream. It’s real. It’s happening.

“I tried giving up on you,” Akaashi starts with a hoarse voice, tight and shaky, “I tried so hard. But the universe keeps sending you my way. I’m so tired of hurting, Bokuto-san. Loving you is too painful. I love you so much but it hurts enough to make me not want to stay anymore.”

Bokuto watches him, a lump on his throat, eyes glassy and hands clenched into fists. Akaashi looks at him then, his expression sad but a smile plastered on his face anyway.

“I guess the universe heard me, because my suffering seems to be coming to an end,” Akaashi laughs quietly, his cheeks wet, “I’m so happy, Bokuto-san. I actually am. But how can I even trust you again? How can I know this won’t happen again? I’m scared, too. I’m so tired of running away. I know I can go on without you as I have before. I know I will survive but.. I don’t want to, Bokuto-san. Not anymore.”

It doesn’t take even ten seconds until Bokuto is already next to Akaashi, hugging him tight and strong around his waist, Akaashi’s sobbing form shaking in his arms. He shushes him, hand going for his hair to massage his scalp softly. Akaashi holds into the back of his T-shirt with clenched fists, his eyes closed and heart clenching.

This time, it’s happiness, fear and love. But, overall, it’s relief.

Akaashi lets go but, this time, he lets go of his suffering.

Bokuto is there to hold him.

.

_ Bokuto watches Akaashi’s face when he confesses. Bokuto wishes he could say he loves him back, that he wants a relationship with him. But he has to be realistic, has to think of their future and how heartbreak is inevitable. He kindly refuses. _

_ When he runs, leaving Akaashi behind, he feels the pain and the guilt creep onto him. He hates it, hates how he didn’t want to do it but he had to.  _

_ Bokuto runs, runs and runs. _

.

_ Bokuto loses touch with Akaashi. It had been strained and awkward, he never knew how to be insincere anyway. He promises himself it was for the best, that Akaashi will have an amazing life and career, will find someone less scared and more ready than Bokuto is. _

_ It doesn’t hurt any less. _

.

_ He never gets over Akaashi, with years passing by, people coming in and out of his life. Akaashi was his whole moon, his opposite that guided him. That inspired him. He never moves on, reminiscing of days he had to give up because he thought it was the right thing. But he wonders, now that he is older - was it worth it? To walk away from the chance at happiness he had with someone so amazing and brilliant like Akaashi because he thought it would ruin their careers? That it would eventually lead to breakup? _

_ He meets Akaashi again and decides, _ I’m not going to give up _.  _ Even if he has moved on already _. _

.

_ Bokuto knew it had been too soon the moment Akaashi pushed him away. He thought for weeks that maybe he had hoped too much for Akaashi to still harbor feelings for him, but when he remembers his face, he wants to hope even more. When he remembers his words, he ends up hoping anyway. He pushes and pushes, wanting to show Akaashi he loves him unconditionally, but Akaashi is stubborn. _

_ He shows Akaashi that he’s stubborn, too. He chased volleyball his entire life. He’ll be damned if he won’t chase Akaashi’s love this time, until he is actually rejected. _

_ Until Akaashi says no, Bokuto won’t stop. _

_. _

_ When Akaashi says yes, Bokuto is ecstatic. He will apologize. He only hopes he still has a chance. _

_ With everything that goes down, Akaashi admits his fear of having his heart broken again. Bokuto vows to fix this for the rest of his life, to never break Akaashi’s heart again, for as long as he lives.  _

_ It’s the best birthday present ever, he tells Akaashi later, because he has spent the past years hoping to have Akaashi by his side. And this year, he will have him. He does have him. _

.

They take it as slow as they can. Akaashi is unsure, scared and afraid to throw himself into a relationship that wouldn’t last. Bokuto respects it, and this time around, they talk.

Talking is hard, both of them realize. But it helps, because Bokuto can say all that has been inside his head ever since Akaashi confessed – his fears, his own unsureness, his love. Bokuto tells Akaashi how growing up has shown him how wrong he was, how he should have fought harder to make sure they could be happy together. But he’s also honest, telling him he doesn’t entirely regret it – it gave them independence and time to fully realize their feelings, to figure out their careers and to live before they met again.

Akaashi tells him all his fears and his struggle with heartbreak. But what surprises him is how Bokuto’s words show him that he had been hurting, too, for as long as Akaashi had been as well. It’s quite ironic, how both of them did what they did to avoid this pain only to end up bringing it in the worst way – but then, again, they wonder if perhaps that wasn’t needed for both of them. To grow before meeting again.

Akaashi has never gone through the process of dating someone like this, slow and with feelings already settled. They took their time to meet each other in another level, in a more intimate way, and Akaashi is thankful for it. He meets Bokuto Koutarou, the hurricane of warmth and amazing presence, but the calmness of soft smiles and gentle forehead kisses. 

They go on dates, they talk and slowly, they learn how to heal. 

Akaashi learns how to trust Bokuto, to overcome his heartbreak and his fear of Bokuto leaving him. Bokuto learns how to win Akaashi’s trust, how to use the pain of these years apart to make them closer than ever and how to grow stronger in their relationship. 

When they kiss for the first time, weeks after that fateful night, it’s Akaashi who initiates it – he’s the one who gently grabs Bokuto by the neck and kisses his mouth. He’s the one who sets the pace languid and lovingly. He’s the one who seeks the other’s tongue. And he’s the one who breaks the kiss first, a soft smile on his lips, swollen pink lips with a whisper of  _ Can I call you Koutarou? _

_ Call me yours instead,  _ Bokuto whispers back.

  
  


.

  
  


“Did you know…” Bokuto starts, voice low and lazy. His hand is playing with Akaashi’s hair, the latter’s head planted on his fiance’s chest. 

“Hmmm?”

“I’ve always thought of you as the moon” he whispers and his lips rest on Akaashi’s forehead. “Quiet, smart, but always there to guide me.”

“Are you calling the moon smart, Kou?” Akaashi answers, amused. 

“Yeah,” he replies with a smile, one that Akaashi feels on his forehead. “You’re really smart.”

“I’m the moon. So, my theory of you being the sun is actually accurate, huh.”

“You think of me as the sun?” Bokuto asks and this time Akaashi turns, his chin resting on Bokuto’s chest so he can look at him. He’s relaxed, the afterglow still present around them. 

“Yeah,” he whispers, and Bokuto smiles even wider. 

“Star-crossed lovers, huh,” Bokuto says and pecks Akaashi’s lips. 

“Star-crossed lovers, indeed,” Akaashi echoes the kiss on Bokuto’s lips as well.

  
  


_ The idle fleeting thought that he was a star crossed my mind. _

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! It was such a ride but I loved this and I am quite proud of it.
> 
> Follow me on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/owlhashira) I promise I am nice!


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